An online novel by Gillette Edmunds

Driving around town, Barbara felt a miracle had happened. She had not understood half of what Maggie told her. She did not know what grief work was, or healing, or Alanon, or any of it really. But she knew how healthy Maggie looked. She was radiant in fact. She probably scared the men away, Barbara thought.

Barbara parked down on the coast road. She let Fluff out on the beach and he ran towards the waves, bouncing in and out of the tidal flows as Barbara strolled barefoot in the sand. Off shore, there was a lighthouse on a tiny rock island. You can’t push the river, Barbara thought. That is the most profound thing I have ever heard. I’ve been trying to push the ocean. Good luck. I’ve been trying to push the goddamn ocean. I have been sexually abused and emotionally and physically battered, just like Maggie. And it was all going to be ok if I could just get Chuck to behave.

She sat at a concrete picnic table above the beach and realized she was hungry. She had not eaten that day and maybe not the day before either. She went to the fish stand and ordered fish and chips, tarter sauce and a soda. The batter crunched in her bite, the sauce was sweet and vinegary, the fish flakey, the ketchup tart, the potatoes creamy. She had never enjoyed such food. She threw fries in the air and Fluff caught them. Boats floated by the lighthouse, out to sea and beyond the point. She was happy, happy for the first time, ever.

Yes, that part-time job’s yearly salary is about equal to what Chuck makes a month, she thought. And he wouldn’t approve. So let him try to push the ocean. It’s me and Michael or me and nobody. Chuck is dead. I have killed him.